人生的抉擇／Choices in life

果然經歷過去年聖誕夜的倒楣事件之後，今年有貞子爬出電視般脫離谷底的感覺。近來翻譯生意興隆，甚至導致手臂使用過度痛得快殘了。不過如同跟王大討論出來的結論，我們這種靠接案子維生的人都是紅燈區的Ｘ子，為了賺錢接什麼不由得自己選擇，這陣子翻譯的一本書便是無比枯燥，非得靠看電影調適才能繼續人生。昨天拿起一片《愛與罪》放進 DVD 機，攤在沙發上看最愛導演之一伍迪艾倫說故事，正是這樣的心情。

這故事中有多個故事，講來複雜，總之每一個人物無論男女都像是伍迪艾倫的分身，連手勢語氣講話的嘴型都像，整體來說似乎是導演對於愛與罪的辯證。其中一個老頭講了一些話，讓我印象深刻：

We are all faced throughout our lives with agonizing decisions. Moral choices. Some are on grand scale. Most of these choices are on lesser points. But we define ourselves by the choices we have made. We are, in fact, the sum total of our choices. Events unfold so unpredictable, so unfairly. Human happiness does not seem to have been included in the design of creation. It is only we, with our capacity to love, that give meaning to the indifferent universe. And yet, most human beings seem to have the ability to keep trying, and even to find joy, from simple things, like their family, their work, and from the hope that future generations might understand more.

尤其是那變了色的一句。

三十、四十、五十……，很多人走到了這幾個歲數都會回顧自己的人生，我也不例外。自從過了三十歲生日，我常納悶甚至懷疑自己做的抉擇是否正確，因為我害怕放下一切來英國念書會是個錯誤，也害怕搞電影會是個錯誤。但是人生的滾輪不會停，越是躊躇越是蹉跎，況且 we are the sum total of our choices：我就是會做這種決定的人，那麼再怎麼錯誤的決定不也得坦然接受？好在世界並非無情，就像老頭說的，端看我們如何面對，是吧？

目前洪侃已經逐漸調適甚至喜歡他的課程。印度藝術、中國藝術、日本藝術、韓國藝術，這些學科都是那麼的引人入勝。我也開始為當義工的船藝廊規劃電影放映夜。我夢想著在船內播放潛水艇災難片，裡面座無虛席並瀰漫著爆米花的牛油香，而我在酒吧忙著調雞尾酒和斟葡萄酒。這一切，都是一種幸福。

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Certainly after the most unfortunate event last Christmas Eve, this year I feel like the hairy lady from The Ring climbing out of the TV screen, except I climb out of rock bottom. Recently I am seeing a surge in the number of translation orders. In fact, I have so many cases lining up my arm is already starting to hurt like a @$#. But just as Wanda and I have concluded, we freelancers work in the red light district, like s@x workers, we need money so we have no choice over the cases we accept. The book I am working on is definitely one of those agonizing ones, and if it weren’t for the DVD rentals that spare me from boredom, I’d be throwing myself out of the window every 15 min. It was in this foul mood I put Crimes and Misdemeanors into the DVD player, so that I could plop onto the sofa and be entertained by the story of good old Woody for the next 2 hours.

The story is a complicated one with multiple subplots. Everyone, man or woman, talked like Woody, even their tone and gestures and lip movement! On the whole the movie is Woody’s dialectic on love and misdemeanors, and there is this old man who said something that made an impression on me:

We are all faced throughout our lives with agonizing decisions. Moral choices. Some are on grand scale. Most of these choices are on lesser points. But we define ourselves by the choices we have made. We are, in fact, the sum total of our choices. Events unfold so unpredictable, so unfairly. Human happiness does not seem to have been included in the design of creation. It is only we, with our capacity to love, that give meaning to the indifferent universe. And yet, most human beings seem to have the ability to keep trying, and even to find joy, from simple things, like their family, their work, and from the hope that future generations might understand more.

In particular the discolored line...

Thirty, forty, fifty… these are the ages when people tend to purposely reflect on their lives and I am no exception. Ever since my 30^th birthday I’ve been fearing if I’ve made the right decisions, whether or not putting everything on hold to come to the UK for school or studying film is a mistake. Then I realized the wheel of life never stops. The more I hesitate the more time I waste. After all, we are the sum total of our choices: I am the kind of person to make that kind of decisions, then I better accept them even if things don’t turn out the way I had hoped for. At the same time, I thank god, because the world is not unforgiving even if I made a mistake. Like the old dude said, it all depends on our own attitude. So far Hung Kan is adjusting to and even enjoying his program a bit. Indian art, Chinese art, Japanese art , Korean art, they are all so very fascinating it is difficult not to enjoy these subjects. I am also working on organizing film nights for public screening at the ship-gallery I volunteer at, and I dream about evenings of disaster submarine films onboard in a floating cinema filled with people and the buttery smell of popcorn, and a busy me tending the bar of mixers and wines. All this, I think, is a blessing.