洗澡之謎／Mystery in Shower

前晚重新看了一遍老詹出借的《悄悄告訴她》，這真是我所看過的電影中最最哀傷的電影了。阿莫多瓦的電影總能讓你感受到他對劇中人物那深刻的悲憫情懷和對人那濃郁的愛憐，和《黑暗中漫舞》的導演拉斯馮提爾簡直就是兩個極端。原本想寫一篇關於《悄悄告訴她》的短文，但今天發生了一件事情，我覺得應該讓這事插個隊，先向大家報告才是。

我剛剛連續洗了兩次澡。

不是，妍伶，我不是一個禮拜沒洗澡，偶ㄎㄟˊ？也沒有，王大，我沒有碰到我最深惡痛絕的大便，也沒有去對街的公園騎腳踏車流大汗。

是這樣的，我和洪侃約了朋友鄒爽去看電影，出門前我踏進浴室洗澡，就在洗完頭髮後突然我的思緒活躍起來，計算起明天搭飛機到西非玩的事。不不不，不是算可能欣賞到多少種異國的鳥類，而是算從家裡出門搭地鐵、換火車、到機場、搭接駁車到正確航站等的時間，各位若看過我上一篇文章，就知道在我當嚮導之下這些環節當中很可能環環接環環出錯。總之，就在我的腦細胞激動著計算搭機途徑的當兒，我的手開始進入自動導航模式，機械地執行洗澡任務。

十分鐘過後，我回神過來發現「好像」潤髮乳已經用過了，沐浴乳也用過了。ㄟˊ！？好神奇哪！！但畢竟是「好像」，到底是兩者都用過了，還是只用了前者，亦或是只用了後者？狐疑的聞一聞手臂，很香啊。納悶的看一看腿，好像剛剛抬起來洗過。再仔細的摸摸頭髮，似乎也滑順得很。但要是沒用潤髮乳，或者沒用沐浴乳，甚或兩者都沒用，那不等於沒洗？氣！最後只好整套洗澡儀式重來一遍。

擦乾身體穿好衣服之後，打電話給王大分享這件事。她說：「這是早發性老年癡呆症的徵狀。」可真會安慰人。

A few days ago Hung Kan and I watched a DVD borrowed from Ulica’s husband Alex. It’s called Talk To Her, and it’s got to be the saddest movie I’ve ever seen. A complete opposite of Dancer in the Dark’s Lars von Trier, Almodovar is a humanitarian whose films always radiate his profound sympathy for his characters and love for people. It was in fact the second time we’ve seen this movie, but I still loved it so much I wanted to write about it on this blog. Then something occurred today and I felt compelled to allow this anecdote to cut in line.

I just took two showers in a row.

No, Ulica, it’s not because I hadn’t showered for a week, O-kay? And no, Wanda, I hadn’t accidentally touched excrement with my hands or rode my bike in the park across our apartment and came home drenched in sweat.

It happened like this. As Hung Kan and I were going out to see a movie with our friend Shuang, I decided to take a shower before we leave to freshen up. After shampooing my hair, for some reason my brain cells began to work arduously as I calculated for our trip to West Africa tomorrow morning. No, no, no. Not the number of exotic birds we might see, but the time we might need to travel from our flat, underground station, train station, airport, terminal shuttle bus to the airline check-in desk. If you read my previous post, you’ll know that with my superior guiding skills, every step could go wrong during this trip. So, while my brain cells vigorously calculated away, my hands went on autopilot and carried out a series of body-washing tasks as if they have a brain of their own.

Ten minutes later, when my thoughts returned I realized I have finished the shower. Vuala! It “seemed” like I had used both the conditioner and shower gel already. Wait, not so fast. Noticed the word “seemed.” Did I use both the conditioner and the shower gel, or did I only use the former or just the latter? To help clear the confusion, I sniffed my arm in doubt. Smelt nice. Next my suspicious eyes moved to my legs. Vaguely I remembered lifting them for washing. Then I felt my hair. Quite smooth. But what if I had not used the conditioner or the shower gel, or worse, used neither? This is usually when self-loathing eats me. In great hatred of my unbelievably bad memory, I started the whole bathing ritual AGAIN, minus the shampoo part, of course.

When I called Wanda afterwards to share this enormously stupid anecdote, her comment was, “a sign of early Alzheimer’s.” What a sweet mouth.